


Generous

by TuppingLiberty



Series: Organa's Organics [16]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cancer, M/M, Parent Death, the tags are really heavy on this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 02:12:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6137833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuppingLiberty/pseuds/TuppingLiberty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn is in Sante Fe, dealing with his father's illness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Generous

“But Daddy, listen,” Amelia said, and Finn could hear the excitement in her voice even through the laptop speakers. “I told Daddy that I had two of lots of things.  Like, I have _ two  _ Bulis, and I have  _ two  _ daddies, and I have Nana Leia and Nana Anne…”

“Yeah, and you have  _ two  _ aunties, Auntie Rey and Aunt Jess,” Finn agreed, smiling. 

Above her head, Poe rolled his eyes at Finn and mouthed, “Just wait for it.”

“And so I asked Daddy why I couldn’t have  _ two  _ scoops of ice cream.” Amelia held her hands up, like her little girl logic was infallible.

Finn had to glance away from the screen for a second, because he knew if he looked at Poe right now he’d crack and lose it.  _ Who knew kids could be so freaking hilarious? _  He took a deep breath and turned back. “Ice cream is yummy, sweet pea, but it’s only a every-once-in-awhile treat.  I think it’s nice that Daddy took you to ice cream because you were feeling sad about me being gone.  And because you ate all of your chicken and veggies.” Finn and Poe were trying to walk the fine line of helping Amelia understand her disease and not make her feel stifled by it. “Did you say thank you?”

Amelia frowned, probably disappointed that she hadn’t been able to convince Finn she was right either, but cleared her face to look at Poe. “Thank you, Daddy. The  _ one _ scoop I had was very tasty.”  

“The  _ one _ scoop I had was very tasty, too.  Okay, nugget, say goodnight to Daddy, it’s time for pajamas.”

Amelia’s face crumpled, tears already forming in her eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest in classic preschooler tantrum pose. “But I want Daddy to read me a story! Why can’t he be here?”

Finn grimaced, feeling guilty about sitting hundreds of miles away on a bed in Sante Fe. “I’ll be back soon, Amelia. I promise.  You’re so tired, sweet pea.  You’ll feel better when you sleep.  And you can pet Buli for me.  I miss you both. I love you,” Finn pressed two fingers to his lips, then held them up to his laptop camera.

Amelia didn’t look mollified, but repeated the kissing gesture with her fingers before leaving the couch. “I love you, too, Daddy.”

“I love you, three,” Poe replied, and Amelia looked up at him, surprised, then giggled.

“That's silly, Daddy.”

Finn listened to her footsteps running up the stairs. He watched Poe’s eyes follow her progress, then turn back to look at him.  The guilt speared inside of Finn at the bags he saw under Poe’s eyes. “You look tired, baby.  I’m sorry I’m not there. Sorry you’ve had to be a single parent this week.”

Poe waved a hand up, dismissing Finn’s words. “I could say the same for you, Finn. I wish I could just reach through the screen and touch you. I don’t know why, but this is worse than when you were at UC-Davis, and you’ve only been gone for three days.” Poe sighed, eyes full of sympathy as they watched Finn. They both knew why it was worse. “I can tell you need to talk, baby.  I’ll call you back when Amelia’s down.”

Guilt ate Finn up further, but it was almost drowned out by the love that swamped him.  “Please, Poe. Please do that.  I love you.”

“I love you,” Poe murmured as he stood up to take care of Amelia, and the call ended.

Originally, Finn had planned on a quick trip to visit Findley and Anne.  About the only piece of Finn’s life that wasn’t hectic at the moment was work, which was only because Greg had graciously agreed to postpone Finn’s training and his own retirement until things settled down in Finn’s personal life.  Finn was still handling everything he could from his laptop for Greg.  Poe and Amelia weren’t the only names on Finn’s guilt list.

When he’d arrive in Santa Fe, Jess had been waiting for him at the airport. He would be staying with Jess and Rey at their condo, but asked Jess if she’d drop him off at his parents’ place first.  Upon Findley’s final prognosis, the stern man had insisted that they sell the house Finn had grown up in, or rather, visited from time to time between boarding school semesters, and downsize.  Findley hadn’t wanted to saddle Anne with the burden of dealing with the big home by herself, and Anne had acquiesced. So, Jess drove Finn to the small apartment near the hospital, where Findley could receive hospice care that would make him as comfortable as possible before he passed.

“Do you want me to go in?” The fact that Jess asked, when Finn knew such situations made her uncomfortable, meant a lot, and he placed a hand over hers on the steering wheel.

“No, it’s okay.  I can grab a cab back to your place.”

Jess looked into Finn’s eyes, and arched a brow. “No, you’ll text me when you’re done, and I’ll come get you.  Don’t argue with me, Smith.”

Finn smiled briefly, and nodded. He left his carry on bag in Jess’s car, and headed for the apartment.

A middle aged woman in scrubs answered. “How can I… Wait, I recognize you.  From the wedding photo. You must be the son, Finn? You and your husband looked so handsome.”

Awkwardly, Finn held out a hand. “Thank you. Yes, I am.  Finn Smith.”

“Shayann Carpenter, but you can call me Nurse Shay.  Please, come in.  Your father is resting, so I convinced your mother to take a nap.”  Nurse Shay stepped back, allowing Finn in the door. “I’m so glad you were able to make it.  Findley requests to see you every day.”

Finn’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Really?”

“Really,” came Anne’s voice from the short hallway. She looked tired, or maybe it was because it was one of the first times Finn could remember seeing her without makeup on.  She hadn’t done her hair, either, and the natural black curls were tucked up in a handkerchief.  Finn immediately went over to hug her, and she whispered in his ear, “Thank you for coming.  I know it wasn’t easy to get away.”

“Anne, I was hoping you would sleep longer,” Nurse Shay said in a chastising tone.

“I’ll have time for sleep later.” Finn didn’t miss his mother’s implication. He vowed internally to help her any way he could.

“So, Dad is, uh, resting?”

“The pain medication knocks him out,” Anne explained. “He’ll be so happy to see you here, Finn.”

“Okay,” Finn said awkwardly.  He wasn’t sure if he’d ever even seen his dad happy, let alone happy to see  _ him _ . 

“Why don’t you go sit with him, Finn?” suggested Nurse Shay. She led him into the living area, where his father lay in a hospital bed, various monitors attached to him, all beeping steadily.  There was already a chair by the bed, which Finn knew his mother must occupy most of the time.  Anne pulled another chair up, gestured for Finn to sit.

_ His face is stern, even in sleep _ , Finn thought.  

“We can talk,” Anne said.  “He’s well and truly out from the meds.” She paused. “You’re his first visitor in a while.  He won’t let anyone else see him like this. Invited his friends from the club for one last whiskey and cigar two months ago.  But he’s been waiting on you.”

Guilt stirred in Finn. “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner,” he said, looking at Anne with sincere eyes, trying to get her to believe him.

Anne reached out to pat Finn’s knee. “It’s okay, Finn. He understands.  I understand. We do,” she emphasized, when Finn opened his mouth.  Finn couldn’t think of anything to say, and the two lapsed into silence.  A small smile lifted Anne’s lips.  “How’s Amelia?”

_ Amelia, I can talk about _ , thought Finn. “Amazing. Incredible. I love her so much. She's so... It's so overwhelming, in the best way possible. She called Poe ‘Daddy’ last night.  That made it somewhat easier to leave them alone.”

Anne looked at him with sympathetic eyes. “They’ll be fine, I’m sure.  They may limp along without you, but they’ll make it. And you have a wonderful family at Organa’s that will help.”

Finn sighed. “That’s true.”

“Now, I’m sure you have pictures.” Anne’s lips tipped up again.

Finn actually managed a quick laugh, and pulled out his phone. “Oh yes, we have pictures.”  He opened them up on the phone and started to scroll through them, phone screen angled at Anne.

“Oh, how lovely, dear,” Anne murmured as Finn paused on a picture of Poe, Amelia, and him sitting on their front porch.  Elisa had snapped it for them just a few days before. Anne placed a hand on her heart, then dashed a tear away. “Oh, my.  I didn’t think that would touch me so much. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Poe had a similar reaction.  It’s his lock screen now.”

They continued to look at photos on Finn’s phone, Finn coming out of his shell as he talked about Poe and Amelia. He was telling Anne about being an emotional wreck dropping Amelia off for her first day of daycare when Findley began to stir.

“Finn?” Findley’s voice was weak.

Finn stood, moving closer to the bed. “Hi, Dad.”

A smile ghosted around Findley’s mouth. “You made it.”

“I made it. I’m here.” Findley held out a hand, and Finn gripped it lightly.  “Do you need anything?  Water? More pain medication?”

Findley shook his head slowly, a grimace of pain crossing his face. “No, I can’t think straight with those meds. And I want to say something to you.”

“Go ahead,” Finn said, as he leaned against the bed.

Findley closed his eyes, as if whatever he needed to say would be easier that way. “I wish I had more time. So much time wasted.  It took me twenty-five years to even come close to being a father to you, and you’ve got it figured out in three weeks.”

Finn choked out a laugh. “Not exactly, but I’ll take it.”

Findley opened his eyes, staring directly into Finn’s. “Your little girl… she’s showing me more than anything else what we missed.  Anne?” 

Anne quickly stood up and joined Finn. “Yes, my dear?” She ran a hand over Findley’s cheek.

“You’ll fix it, right? You won’t miss out on their lives. You won’t let me hold you back.”

“Of course not, Findley.” Anne’s quick reassurance told Finn she’d made this particular promise before.

Findley refocused on Finn. “I was so selfish, Finn.  I don’t know how you’re so generous and I’m so selfish.”

Tears were forming in Finn’s eyes. “It’s okay, Dad. At least we have this time. I forgive you.”

Findley closed his eyes again. “Generous.”  He grimaced again, harder this time, and sucked in breath.

Finn squeezed his hand. “Dad, let me get Nurse Shay.  We’ll get you some meds.” Findley nodded, but Finn hesitated, because he suddenly knew what Findley was trying to say, but couldn’t get out. And Finn knew he could perform this one final act for his dad. He could go first. “I love you, Dad, and I’m going to miss you.”

Findley’s eyes fluttered underneath their lids, a momentary look of relief passing over his face, then it squeezed in pain again. “I...love you, too, Finn. Anne,” he called as he sucked in a breath.  Anne took over Finn’s spot as Finn went to find the nurse.

It was obvious that Findley was in a great deal of pain, and they upped his meds to make him more comfortable.  Nurse Shay pulled Anne and Finn aside, explaining that Findley was approaching his last days.

And so, instead of a quick last visit, Finn felt it was the right thing to stay with his mom until that happened.  According to Poe, Amelia had not taken the news well.

There was a quiet knock on the guest room door, pulling Finn out of his thoughts and back to the present. “Come in,” he called, and Rey entered, immediately sitting next to Finn on his bed.

“How are Poe and Amelia?”

“They’re okay.  I mean, it seems like Amelia's holding on by a thread, which means Poe is probably at the end of his rope-” Finn cut himself off, putting his head in his hands.

Rey began to rub his back, reminding him of Poe. “Trooper, Poe will be okay.  Amelia will be okay.”

“Yeah, but if I worry about them, I don’t obsess over…” he trailed off.

Rey’s hand paused for a fraction of a second before continuing. “Right, that makes a lot of sense, actually.”

They were distracted when Finn’s phone began to ring. He accepted the call from Poe, angling the screen so Poe could see that Rey was there too.

Rey waved. “Hi, Poe. Give Amelia a hug from me when she wakes up,” she said, and moved away.

“Bye, Rey,” Poe called, eyes on Finn’s face.  Rey closed the door behind her, and Finn laid back on the bed, raising an arm to rub his head. “Talk to me, babe.”

“It’ll be soon, tonight or tomorrow, Nurse Shay thinks.  Jess and Rey are going to drive me back over in,” and Finn checked his watch, “about 20 minutes.  Distract me, Poe.  Did Amelia go down okay?”

Poe searched Finn’s face for a moment, as if wanting to push harder for Finn to talk, but went with Finn’s wishes. “I had to sing three songs, since Daddy wasn’t there to read. She fell asleep during the last one.”

“Thank God for your voice,” Finn replied.

“Indeed. She did good at daycare today, I think she just misses you most when she’s at home, and you’re not. I know how she feels.  I’m going to try and set up a chat with Steve tomorrow. Or try something else”

“Good, that’s a good idea. And the farm?  Spring prep going okay?” Finn let Poe’s voice soothe him while he could take the time.

\------------------

It happened at midnight, which, according to Nurse Shay, wasn’t that strange of an occurrence.  Finn felt numb, with tinges of relief that his father’s struggle was finally over breaking through.  He held Anne as she finally rested, silent tears falling.

The numb feeling continued as workers came and removed Findley, as Finn tucked his mother into his bed at Jess and Rey’s place, because she didn’t want to stay in the apartment, as he sent off a quick text to Poe, knowing he wouldn’t read it until morning.  He lay down on the couch, managed to sleep a bit.  The next day, he helped Anne with the funeral arrangements. Findley hadn’t wanted anyone to make a big deal out of his death, and so they planned a simple graveside service to take place in two days. Even when Finn talked to Poe and Amelia that night, he couldn’t make himself feel anything but that resounding numbness.  

After he’d ended the phone call, Anne joined him on the couch. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” she said quietly.

“No, of course not.” He reached for her hand, and she gave it to him, squeezed.

“I wanted to talk to you about what your father said to us.” She swallowed. “And you have the right to deny me, I would understand. I’d...I’d like to come back with you. To Oregon.  I’d like to be a part of your life, of Amelia’s.”

Finn felt something begin to crack through the numbness. He squeezed her hand back. “Are you sure you wouldn’t miss Santa Fe, your friends?”

“I have friends here, of course.  But I can keep up with them on Facebook, right?  I don’t want to know my son’s family solely through a screen.”  She looked down at their joined hands. “A wise man once told me that love means family. I know our household didn’t mean that for you, and I’d like a chance to experience what you meant by that, to experience what you’re building with Poe and Amelia. You made me realize last summer that I invested everything of myself in your father. Having you and sending you out of our lives seemed like such a natural step, and I hate myself for it now. I hate that I’m that type of person. That I was too concerned with keeping up appearances and fitting in than keeping up with you.” She looked back up at him, eyes fierce. “You gave your father your forgiveness, and I’m going to be grateful for that until the day I die, you giving him that peace at the end, but I need to earn it, Finn.  Show me how to earn your forgiveness.”

The crack widened, but the dam wasn’t yet ready to break. But despite, or maybe in spite of his love-starved childhood, Finn had always had a big heart, and so he replied, “I think I can do that. I think you’ll be better at it than you think you’re going to be, Mom.  I know you know how to love.” She looked apprehensive, but leaned in to kiss his cheek.

The next day, he helped her pack up the apartment.  The hospice equipment had been moved out, but Finn packed up the living room himself, to keep Anne out of the space where Findley died.

Jess, Rey, Anne and Finn were just sitting down to a takeout dinner, no one really talking, when the doorbell rang. 

“Why is it always during dinner?” Jess complained, setting down her napkin and getting to her feet.  A few moments later, however, they heard her call out, “Finn, it’s for you.”

Confused, thinking maybe it was a legal document from Greg, Finn almost fell to his knees at the sight of Poe, weighed down by luggage on one shoulder and a sleeping Amelia, already in pajamas, on the other. Finn felt the numbness inside him burst open and break into a million pieces, feelings flooding out a mile a minute. He thought fleetingly that he’d have to sort those flooding feelings out later with Poe, because the only thing that mattered right now was getting his hands on his family. He slipped the bags off of Poe’s shoulder tenderly, then slipped himself into that space instead.  He laid his head on Poe’s shoulder, drinking in the sight of them.  They both looked awful, really, utterly exhausted, but he couldn’t remember ever being happier to see Poe.  Finn could guess that it had been a stressful trip.  He lifted his head, finally speaking, in a whisper so as not to disturb Amelia. “How did you know exactly what I needed?”

Careful not to jostle her, Poe leaned over to brush his mouth over Finn’s. “Because I know you, Finn.  And I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Finn said, then kissed him back.

A sleepy voice from the other side of Poe whispered, “I love you, three.” Amelia lifted her head and held out an arm to Finn.

“Oh, my little sweet pea, come here.” Finn shifted her off of Poe, bringing her into a big bear hug. 

“I missed you lots, Daddy.”

“I know, Amelia.  Me, too. I’m so happy to see you.”

Rey, Jess and Anne had joined them in the foyer, and when Finn perched Amelia on his hip, she smiled shyly at the people she had only seen through a phone screen before. She turned back to Finn. “It’s Auntie Rey, and Aunt Jess, and Nana Anne.”

“It is. Do you want to say hi?”

Amelia shook her head, unwilling to let go of her death grip on Finn. “Maybe in the morning,” she said.  Finn and Poe laughed, because it was a phrase they often said to her when it was bedtime and she had something else she wanted to do.

“Are you hungry? Or do you just want to get ready for bed?”

“Bed. Will you read to me?”

Finn looked at Poe inquiringly, hoping Poe got the message he sent with his eyes,  _ Did you bring any books? _ Poe nodded, leaning down to rummage through one of the bags he’d carried in, and producing a book.   _ Hmm.  Maybe married couples do become psychic,  _ he thought.  “I’d love nothing more than to read to you.”

With the new additions, they were really stretching the limits of sleeping space in Rey and Jess’s place, but they finally figured out a solution that involved borrowing a full-sized air mattress from a neighbor.  They rearranged the furniture in the living room to be able to fit the mattress, settled Amelia on the couch, and Finn kept reading to her until her eyes closed.  

He headed back to the dining room, leaning against the door jam, taking in with pleasure the scene of his friends and family all passing around Chinese takeout boxes. He stayed there a moment, content.

“You got everything cleared with Amelia’s social worker, right?” asked Jess, using chopsticks to spear a piece of sweet and sour chicken.

Finn glanced at Poe, panicking because he hadn’t even thought of that until Jess brought it up.

Poe smiled. “I had to submit paperwork for her caseworker’s supervisor and provide an itinerary, but yeah, everything’s cleared or we wouldn’t have made it past security at the airport.”

“When did you start doing the paperwork?” Finn asked, trying to calculate in his head as everyone in the room looked his way.

“Oh, the day after you left.” Poe stood, crossing the room to rub Finn’s arms. “I knew you needed us.  You knew you needed us.”

“Yeah, I did.” He looked Poe in the eyes. “I need your listening skills now, if you're not too tired.”

Poe nodded, looking at Rey and Jess. “We'll disturb Amelia if we go to the living room. Is there someplace we could walk to, like a park?”

“There's a bench in the shared backyard,” Rey responded.

“You'll keep an eye on Amelia for us?” Finn asked everyone.

“Of course,” Rey responded. “She'll be fine, go take some time for yourselves.”

They found the bench, Poe gesturing for Finn to sit on his lap. Finn smirked, but complied, and Poe wrapped himself around Finn as he told Poe about the final words of his father, and his mother’s request.

“Do you think I'm being too generous with my mom? Shouldn't I be mad about this sudden change of heart? ” Finn has rested his head on Poe's shoulder. He felt Poe kiss his hair.

“Parents make everything complicated. But I don't think you're capable of being ungenerous. That's not my Finn. It seems, though, like she's willing to do this on your terms. You want to put the brakes on, I think she'd listen to you.”

“That's true.” Finn inhaled Poe’s scent deeply.

“You know I'm going to say that the more love Amelia has in her life, the better.”

“Yeah, but more drama?”

“More  _ possible _ drama.”

“Mmm,” Finn murmured.

“Are you sorry you allowed them back in your life last July?”

Finn remained silent for a bit. “No,” he finally said, beginning to draw his fingertip around Poe’s chest. “No, I don't regret reconciling with my dad. And Mom’s always been the easier of the two to deal with.”

“So you might be worrying for nothing.”

“Isn't that what worrying is for?” Finn felt Poe’s chuckle.

“Got me there. Sure seems easier to slip into that mindset now that we have Amelia. But you know what, Finn? There are a ton of things we can't protect her from. Things that strike me in the middle of the night, or when I'm pulling weeds, and stop me in my tracks.” Finn made a noise of concern and lifted his head up, looking into Poe’s eyes. Poe had not shared this with him before. “I know, I know,” Poe responded.

“You need to share,” Finn said sternly. “Even if it's the middle of the night. What do you think I'm here for?”

“So the next time I wake up worrying about a car crashing into Amelia’s daycare, you want me to wake you up?” Poe raised an eyebrow.

“ _ Yes _ .” 

Poe leaned down to kiss him. “Okay, my worries will be your worries from now on.”  

“Good,” said Finn, nodding succinctly.

“But the point I was trying to make before was, there's no way for me to protect her from reckless drivers or earthquakes or homophobic asshole children, or adults for that matter, who make fun of her for having two dads. But we can control who we let in her life, and your heart seems to think Anne’s okay, even your mind has doubts.”

Finn took that in, nodded, accepted, then grinned. “You worry about earthquakes? It's not like this is California.”

Poe smiled. “Oh, so you haven't heard of “The Big One,” then?”

“Is that an innuendo?” Finn squirmed in Poe’s lap, eliciting a groan from Poe. He captured Poe’s mouth.

Poe pulled back, out of breath. “No, this is-” He was cut off by another bruising kiss. “Serious.” This time, Poe crushed his lips to Finn’s.

“We seriously need to find a room or bush or dark corner, fuck, anything at this point.” 

“Jesus, Finn,” Poe said, as Finn’s fingers slipped under his waistband.

“I know it's only been five days, but I've grown used to having daily access to this.  I think I've formed a dependency.”

Poe groaned again, picking Finn up and setting him on his feet. He grabbed Finn’s hand. “We need to find that dark corner, stat.”

He started to drag Finn out of the backyard, but Finn stopped him. “Just in case I forget later, thank you for talking everything out with me. You're always what I need.”

Poe's teeth flashed in the night as he grinned. “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> My father was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, with, luckily, a prognosis 1000 times better than Findley's. I think this maybe let me get out some dark thoughts I'd still been having, even in the face of good news. #fuckcancer
> 
> Come say hi on Tumblr @animalasaysrauer, or leave a comment below. 
> 
> <3 you, three.


End file.
